Almost exactly a year ago, I copied this quote into the front of my brand-new journal:I am willing — to receive what You give, to lack what You withhold, to relinquish what You take, to surrender what You claim, to suffer what You ordain, to do what You command, to wait until You say, “Go!!” -Unknown
Sometimes you’ve just got to be careful what you tell God… He tends to take us seriously, you know. *smiles* I really did mean it when I wrote it a year ago… and I still do. I must say, it’s easy to say and much much harder to actually live out.
Dreams… open hands… surrender and trust… letting go… contentment… dying to self… focusing on Jesus… waiting…
I hear these phrases and words over and over again. I read them in blog posts, in emails from friends, and in my own journal. They overflow into conversations in coffee shops and late night phone chats and tearful prayers. I heard them expressed numerous times while sharing prayer requests in a woodsy cabin in PA. There are songs full of poignant lyrics with these very phrases. I can’t begin to tackle all these huge subjects in one little blog post (it would end up being the longest post in history!)… but I do have a few late night ramblings.
You know all those intense struggles to surrender “our” dreams, let go of them, and to open our hands and hold them out loosely to Jesus…? It’s become all about us at that point. Me, myself, and I. I want it, I grab it, I don’t want to let go. It’s a pitiful illusion of control.
I’m realizing anew that this is, in reality, me telling God that I know better than Him. He’s not doing a good enough job, I know best, and I know exactly what my life should be like. It sounds pretty selfish and pathetic, when I write it out so bluntly. It makes me cringe, to think that I sometimes act like I know better than the very Creator of the universe. It sounds ridiculous, yet so often, we go back to the default of complaining and worrying and doubting and trying to grab control again.
Doesn’t it all come down to the way we see God? When I lose sight of Him and distractions around me snatch my focus… then I struggle to surrender my will and completely trust Him. Instead of being about glorifying Him, it becomes about me and I lose perspective. But when my eyes come back to the sweet face of Jesus and I die to myself, oh the rest that comes. He really does know so much more of the big picture than we do… so why not give Him everything and let Him take care of us?
A couple of my favorite songs:Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me
Yes, I know that You see what I do and don’t need
But when it comes to the deepest things
I have a hard time relinquishing control
God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down
But when I let go, freedom’s found
God, it hurts to give You what I’ve held so dear
Because of Your love it’s clear
I can trust You with this
I can trust You with me
I can trust You
Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust
For You have shown me time and time again
You’re faithful and yet
I’m so scared of letting go of this
Afraid of what You might do with it
How could I forget who You are like this
I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They’ve gone white
I’m fighting for who I wanna be
I’m just trying to find security
But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go.